Dear Scott,
I haven't written here in over a month so let me start by saying "FUCK YOU!" There's a Dixie Chicks song I've been singing a lot that says, "They say time's supposed to heal everything, but I'm still waiting." Such profundity that I always get caught up at that lyric.
So much is different than it was nine and a half months ago. I finally got rid of all your clothes and put everything of yours in the basement. I have only kept one little photo upstairs. i think what you would find shocking is just how mean I've become. I am bitter and angry most all the time so of course that comes out. I have said and done some very unkind things over these last months. I don't think you would recognize me.
I am finally learning to put my needs first, God knows you never did. IT's hard, because I have never been that person. My faith has affirmed over and over and over that if I took care of others, others would take care of me. Well it only took me 51 years to learn that people are shit and no one is looking out for me as a first priority. It seems selfish, but at this point, Im the only one who will. God knows you never put my needs first, you prick.
I think this is likely the last blog entry I will write to you. I am still putting you first and you're dead. I hope you can see the pain you've caused to so many people. I really hope you see it all so maybe, just maybe, you can suffer like we are.
I think what's so difficult, if not impossible, to see and realize is that when someone chooses to take their own life it's truly because they are in so much emotional pain that they feel it's the only way to make it stop and that thought overshadows any type of rational thinking. I think in their minds they are sparing us by not telling and sharing with us how dark their minds have become without thinking if they would just tell us we could try and help them find the resources they need to escape their emotional pain. So those who are still living blame ourselves for not knowing, for not doing something to prevent the tragedy from happening but how would we know when they are hiding it from us? None of us can "just know" if someone else is not doing okay especially if they are going to lengths to appear okay. I don't think Scott was trying to inflict suffering on people he loved I think he was just trying to stop his own suffering 💔
another good fuck you song
https://youtu.be/M6JnQbQbzdo?si=u_ynIOkI2Wp6bFOZ