Day 240

Dear Scott,

I don't blog that much anymore, but I do think about you constantly. I was sitting in the living room this morning working and remembered one our our unique married couple inside jokes. Remember when you would want my attention when I was working at home? You would walk into the room, raise your hand and wait to be recognized. I miss that. I also remember how often you would find me sitting in silence and tell me I was doing nothing, and I would say, "I'm thinking." I am not sure you ever did really believe this was work, but it really was.

It is still so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that you are gone forever. I am so angry, but mostly I just miss you. I have made some new friends. I think you would really like them. Its hard to have new people in my life that will never know you. I have even begun to realize that I may be able to love someone again, though I am not anywhere near ready to even think about that. It feels like a betrayal to tell you I have actually had some fun in the last few weeks. I truly believe God set us on a path together. Since you've been gone, I think I have taken a sideroad with lots of potholes and pittfalls. I am finally finding my way back. I remember in your note that you told me to lean into my faith in God to help me thought this. I ws so mad at you for telling me to do what you did not, but it was really good guidance. I have been at a crossroads, not knowing which way to turn, but I have finally come to know that the only path I can choose is the way of Christ. That is who I am and who I was created to be. It is the harder choice, but the only one that can restore my hope. I don't think I ever really doubted this, I just needed a good reminder.

I've also made a few changes, one I know that you would really like. I finally got the tattoo I've wanted for years. The artwork is different than what we had talked about. The new design is the story of Creation and includes the moment that we met. I will never forget that first day, just as I will never forget the last.

I love you.