Day 262

Dear Scott,

I miss you so much. My whole life was set into a tumble the day you died. I can't believe that God creates us in such a way to have the capacity to feel this kind of pain. It just seems cruel. And you know how much I have when people say grief is the price you pay for love. Bullshit. Love is a gift from God, a gift to each other. We don't have to pay for it.

I made a really big decision. I am taking a two-month leave of absence from work. I need time to think, to reflect, to pray. I am also getting treatment for the PTSD, which apparently is a direct cause of me being the one to find your body. WHY? Why did I have to find you? I haven't been to that Target or Giant Eagle since we recovered your body on July 29. I do everything I can to not drive down West 117th. That place is just evil for me.

I am having a particularly tough time today, I think, because tomorrow is Maundy Thursday. Jesus himself almost begged for his life. His words were, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me, yet not my will but yours be done.” Remove this cup from me. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to be beaten and tortured. He didn't want to feel the pain.

I wish God would take this cup from me. I am so tired of holding on to it.

Good night, I love you Scott O'Con