Dear Scott,
I haven't blogged in almost two weeks. These last weeks have been incredibly hard. I do my best to try to not think about you, but I think about you constantly. The only real comfort I find anymore is sleep. It's the only time when I'm not sad.
Some days, I am so angry at you for destroying my life, for destroying all the hopes and dreams we had for the future. Other days, I feel pity and some days I am thankful your pain is over.
I am following the guidance of what I am learning in therapy. I am trying to make new memories. I spent Christmas with my brother and Sloan and Toby. I spent NYE wtih Nick at the Marble Room. But you are always there. Not a minute goes by that I don't think of you. I think of you now more often than I did when you were alive. I am beginning to turn inward and isolate. I am still just planning my personal life one day at a time. I can't see beyond that without you.
Shelby has started seeking me out for affection and cuddling with me on the couch; she used to only do this with you. At first it was nice, but I realize that she has moved on. She has developed a new rhythm that does not include you. I am jealous of this cat, but also deeply grieved that she is moving on.
Later this year, I will be the same age as you when you died. In my mind, you will always be 52. I am not doing well, but I am trying - at least as best I can.
I love you and I always will.
Jason, I think all of your feelings are valid ones. I felt that way when my friend from kindergarten took his life. Death is painful when it is not self inflicted to all who love someone, so when someone voluntarily takes their life and it pains all those who survive it so much, you just can’t find the logic in the action. Your relationship goes beyond friendship I understand but I thought John would be around to share old age stories with me. He died 33 years ago and his family who I spent so many years with has only contacted me when my father died and John’s sister told me that seeing me would bring back too many memories. She then promised that she would contact me but never has. The pain never goes away if you think of that person. You always will of course but as you fill your life with those around you who care about you, you will eventually find a space beyond sleep where pain and sadness doesn’t consume you. However, you must let those events unfold and allow people into your life again. Take long walks, get as much sunshine as possible and talk to people. You have a right to live and to feel happiness. Scott chose his path and sadly it was to end his life. You will never know why and even if you did there would be no solace in knowing. You deserve to enjoy the gift of each day that you have to be alive.