Dear Jesus,
It feels odd to title this post with the number of days since he died. I don't think about it that way recently. It's been so long I've been counting weeks. Tomorrow will be 21 weeks. I'm not sure why I continue to keep count, but I do.
The stress and worry and grief I was expecting for the holidays has begun to take hold. I didn't know it would start before Christmas. I am preparing emotionally for this to get more intense in the coming week. I am spending Christmas with my brother in NC, so at least I won't be surrounded by all the memories in our house.
I've been spending a lot of time in the book of Job. This chapter of of Job's lament about God pretty much sums up where I am on this wheel.
Job 23
“Today also my complaint is bitter;
[God’s] hand is heavy despite my groaning.
Oh, that I knew where I might find him,
that I might come even to his dwelling!
I would lay my case before him
and fill my mouth with arguments.
I would learn what he would answer me
and understand what he would say to me.
Would he contend with me in the greatness of his power?
No, but he would give heed to me.
There the upright could reason with him,
and I should be acquitted forever by my judge.
“If I go forward, he is not there;
or backward, I cannot perceive him;
on the left he hides, and I cannot behold him;
I turn to the right, but I cannot see him.
But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tested me, I shall come out like gold.
My foot has held fast to his steps;
I have kept his way and have not turned aside.
I have not departed from the commandment of his lips;
I have treasured his words in my bosom.
But he stands alone, and who can dissuade him?
What he desires, that he does.
For he will complete what he appoints for me,
and many such things are in his mind.
Therefore I am terrified at his presence;
when I consider, I am in dread of him.
God has made my heart faint;
the Almighty has terrified me.
If only I could vanish in darkness,
and thick darkness would cover my face!
