Day 137

Dear Jesus,

Yesterday was hard. Today is not a whole lot better. I think the impending Christmas holiday is already adding stress. I am so grateful that my church is allowing me to step away for the next two weeks, but I am saddened to know that I won't spend Christmas with them for the second year in a row. I am looking forward so spending time with my brother.

I do feel better on some days, but those days never seem to last. I don't know how to manage things fully without him. Depression and grief are strange creatures; they will creep up on you when you least expect them. Last night I was scooping out the litter box and ended up sitting in the floor in tears for 20 minutes. I have found TV to be a good distraction. It keeps my mind occupied, but it is also sucking away a lot of my time.

I've heard people over the years say things like, "I would give anything if I could have just five more minutes with...." I don't want five more minutes. I want the lifetime I had planned. I want 30 more years at least. I feel cheated and betrayed. Sunday will be 20 weeks since he ended his life. I don't know how I have survived these weeks.

My prayer today is that I manage another 20 weeks without him.

Brother Jesus, hear my prayer.