Day 129

Dear Jesus,

Week 18 has not been that great. I feel a sadness right on the surface; I am managing better though. My team adjusted my meds and added a new anxiety pill. I think they finally got it right. I could cry if I wanted, but I have been trying not to. I am building up some "no cry" days. I now have three.

I have been thinking a lot the last few days about Ruth's words to Naomi and the love they shared. These verses from chapter one seem quite fitting.

“Do not press me to leave you,

    to turn back from following you!

Where you go, I will go;

    where you lodge, I will lodge;

your people shall be my people

    and your God my God.

Where you die, I will die,

    and there will I be buried.

May the Lord do thus to me,

    and more as well,

if even death parts me from you!”

I think I have a better understanding of what these words really mean. My therapist says I should expect the grief to come in waves - some days will be okay and others will be overwhelming. I am also not blogging everyday anymore. It's not that I don't think of him everyday, but when I write it encourages me to deeply reflect on my loss and pain. While that is good at times, I no longer want to put myself through that everyday. Some days, I just want to block it all out and stay in bed.

My prayer today is I dream about him tonight. I know this isn't really how God works, but I can still ask.

Brother Jesus, hear my prayer.

BTW - these are some of my people