Day 116

Dear Jesus,

I'm tired today. I tossed and turned all night long thinking about Scott. For some reason, I keep imagining him holding the gun to his head. Was it heavy? Did he pull the trigger quickly or did he pause to consider what he was doing? I know he only had one bullet in the gun. Did he die quickly or did he suffer?

I going out to the cemetery again tomorrow. I never really understood why people would visit graves - afterall, its just human remains; there's no life there. I can't really explain it, but I feel close to him there in a way I don't at home or at church.

It still is jut unreal to me that he ended his own life. I just don't know how I will ever come to terms with that.

My prayer today is that I remember the years we had with gratitude.

Brother Jesus, hear my prayer.