Day 110

Dear Jesus,

It is supposed to get easier, I over the last couple of days I have spent so much time crying and thinking about Scott. I will carry this with me my whole life. I do not see how healing is possible at this point, but i am reminded that over 800,000 people end thier lives by suicide each year. That is so many families, so many husbands, so many tears. I am not alone, nor I am unique. My relationship with Scott was unique, just as every human relationship is unique. My sadness is also unique to our relationship. Don't tell me you know what I am going through, because you don't and you can't. And I hope you never understand.

I am so grateful for all the friends who have rallied around me during these last months. I am so lonely at times, and so overflowing with the love of friends and family at other times.

Heaven Is a Place on Earth was one of Scotts favorite songs. It is right on the money.

My prayer today is that my tribe knows how much I am trying my best through this nightmare, through this fear, grief, confusion, anger and that they know how much I love them.

Brother Jesus, hear my prayer.