Day 107

Dear Jesus.

Yesterday was rough. As soon as I got home, I just fell apart. I cried for hours. A friend offered to come sit and talk with me, and I gladly accepted. I usually say no to those offers, but I really needed not to be alone. She was so comforting.

I still have such a mix of emotions. I go back and forth from anger to sadness to confusion to worry.

The realtor is coming today to take a look at the house. I am not sure what my plans are yet, but I am leaning towards selling it. The other part of me, though, doesn't want to give it up. My therapist told me I should wait to make that decision for a few months; I will follow her advice. This preliminary meeting will give me an idea of what I can get if i do sell. The very idea of selling makes me queasy. This was our home. I feel like even thinking of selling is an abandonment. But he left first; I have to make the choices that are best for me

The "business" of dying is so complicated. I am still months away from settling his stuff. There is still the business to dismantle, various financial accounts, and all of his material stuff here at the house. I wish it could all be done today, but that's just now how any of this works. And, anyway, I don't have it in me but to do a few things each week.

My prayer today is for somw serenity.

Brother Jesus, hear my prayer.